Review: Gods of Egypt

Gods of Egypt is a film that was directed by Alex Proyas and released in February of this year. So, why am I writing this review in the middle of September, 7 months later? Well, my friends, its because I was in the mood to watch an incredibly terrible movie from this year, and what better place to find a terrible movie than amidst the garbage heap of releases that come out in February? I was hoping to find a mindless film similar to Clash of the Titans, but I was met with something entirely different.

Alex Proyas is the man who directed films like The Crow, I Robot, and Knowing. With the exception of I, Robot, these films were mainly known for being visually appealing rather than incredible stories or stunning films. Looking at his IMDB page, I feel the need to comment about how ridiculous he looks in his profile picture, but I’ll refrain and simply direct you to the first sentence in his biography, which says, “Alex Proyas has moved effortlessly between helming TV commercials and music videos to feature films.” Now, the only other director that seems to get notoriety for this is none other than the infamous Michael Bay… so that should give you an inkling of how this review is going to go.

Story: 1/10

This movie, if it even qualifies as such, is one of the most incomprehensible stories I’ve ever seen in my life. I don’t mean that in the sense that Primers, or the end of 2001: A Space Odyessey are incomprehensible; I mean that your dog found a Japanese comic book in the garbage, ate it, then threw it up, and now you’re trying to put the peices back together so that you can read it, kind of incomprehensible. New characters seem to constantly find their way into the story, characters’ motivations will change faster than Hillary can delete emails, and the rules are about as concrete as Trump’s plans for after he’s elected.

The only way to watch this movie without killing a few brain cells is to turn the volume off and skip to the parts where Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (the guy who plays Jamie Lannister in Game of Thrones) and/or Gerard Butler (the guy who played Gerry in P.S. I love You) are on screen.

I went into this movie hoping that it wouldn’t take itself too seriously, and that I would be able to enjoy it for its light-heartedness, self-awarness, and ridiculousness. Unfortunately, Gods Of Egypt takes itself completely seriously and becomes extremely hard to watch because of this. Rather than allowing the story to naturally produce humorous banter and off-the-wall fight scenes, it tries to force the humor into the dialogue and puts on its super-serious face before entering a fight sequence. Don’t get me wrong, this movie was hilarious, but not in the way that you acutally find yourself laughing and enjoying yourself.

Acting: 5/10

In a February release like this, especially one with a cast of this high caliber (Academy Award winner Geoffrey Rush and Chadwick Boseman are in this too?!?!), you would hope that the actors involved are able to have fun with the script and really make the film that much more ridiculous and fun. Unfortunately, only about half of the cast caught on to this idea, while the other half must have been drunk when they read the script and thought that they needed to put on their best performances.

Visuals: 2/10

Not only is the CGI in this movie crap, there is not a single shot in this film that doesn’t have a green screen backdrop, and there is not a single action sequence in this film that features real stunt actors. But I guess if a few 10 foot tall guys in vaguley egyptian mythology inspired Iron Man suits shooting lasers from spears sounds like the best thing in the world to you, then please make sure you see this film with an adult, because it is PG-13 (somehow).

Also, movies that take place in Egypt are known for having some of the most beautiful and awe-inspiring set peices in film history. Yet, there is not a single real set in this movie.

Music: 2/10

The score for this film is the same stanza of music over and over again.

X-Factor: 8/10

If you’re one of those movie watchers that loves to get a good group of friends together, buy a bunch of beer or tequila, and watch some of the worst movies ever made while you’re all shit-faced together, then I have some great news for you!

Overall: 3.6/10

I can’t really say that I was “dissapointed” in Gods of Egypt, I vaguley knew what I was getting into. But, like I said earlier, I was hoping it would be a mindless film that tries to have fun with itself like Wrath of the Titans did (no, I’m not saying those are good movies, only that they knew they weren’t good). I wouldn’t recommend watching this to anyone unless you’re one of those people to whom this review’s X-Factor was dedicated to.

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