Review: Batman v Superman

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice came out this week after spending an obscene amount of time on paper and in production. And what did all this time deliver for us? Hell if I know! I have a lot to say about this movie, so I’ll keep my opening statement short. If you’re jumping into this review pumped to see this movie, then LEAVE NOW, because I am about to destroy your world and there’s nothing you or the entire Justice League can do to stop me! Also, this review is going to be littered with spoilers, because there’s no way for me to say what I want without spoiling some parts of the movie. But don’t let that get you down, because if you saw any of the trailers for this movie then you’ve already watched all the important parts.

 

Story: 2/10

Sweet baby Jesus, was this story a mess. I understood less than half of the things that happened, and there was absolutely no reason for that. This movie isn’t trying to blow your mind like a Christopher Nolan film, but it sure left me behind in a hurry. I was having a little trouble following Batman’s train-of-thought in the first half of the film. If you’re ultimate goal is to find a way to stop Superman, why are you investigating Lexcorp? His reasons for this are explained later in the film, but it was unnecessary for the rest of us to be left in the dark that whole time and wondering what was going on.

And the dream sequences… there are four or five dream sequences in the movie that don’t really let you know they’re dream sequences. And it’s not until it’s made obvious that they’re dream sequences that you realize they don’t really serve any kind of purpose other than to look cool. Those probably take up 20-25 minutes of your 151 minute run-time, so, have fun.

Also, like I said earlier, you saw all the important parts of this movie in the trailer(s). Yep, Wonder Woman is some sketchy chick that walks around doing sketchy stuff until it’s necessary for her to show up in her costume and save someone just before they get vaporized. And yes, Lex Luthor uses General Zod’s dead body to create Doomsday in order to kill Superman.

And why does Lex Luthor want to kill Superman this time?  Is it because he wants his powers? Is it because he thinks he’s a threat to humanity? No. This time, Lex Luthor happened to be watching TV in his room one night when he caught The Dark Knight on FX or AMC or something like that. Anyway, Lex thought that this was such a good movie, that he decided to copy nearly everything about it. So, Lex just wants to rain on everyone’s parade and show people that Superman and Batman aren’t as good as they might seem to be… which is literally the Joker’s motivation for everything he does… like ever.

But you know what? One of the worst parts about this movie was Lois Lane, who should simply be a secondary character. But no, she’s one of the primary characters in this movie for God knows why. And she is useless to the point where I started pulling out my hair. You’d think, after all the superhero movies where the love-interest is used against the hero, that the love-interests would start to get smart and not get involved in anything. But no, Lois sticks her business in everything and just makes things more difficult for the heroes. If she weren’t in this movie, we could have saved about 45 minutes from its 151 minutes runtime. But apparently, it’s impossible for Zac Snyder to make a movie that’s under 2 hours long.

There’s more for me to say here, but I’m not going to. I’ve made my case. Zac, I think you’re a wonderful artist; but, for the love of God, PLEASE stick to graphic novel adaptations from now on. I’ve said it once, and I still have yet to be proven wrong: anything Zac Snyder does on his own is going to look cool, but it’s going to really, really stupid.

 

Acting: 5/10

Despite your initial reaction, I am not about to talk about how terrible Ben Affleck was as Bruce Wayne. I took no part in that unnecessary slam-fest. He was fine as Bruce Wayne, as I expected he would be.

I will say, that the slam-fest I heavily partook of, was the one that occurred due to Jesse Eisenberg being cast as Lex Luthor. And I’ll just say right now, in the most humble way possible, that I WAS RIGHT BITCHES. In your face! Jesse was so bad and I called it! I win again! Seriously though, I don’t know if this was all Jesse’s doing, but someone needs to tell somebody that Lex Luthor is not the Joker. He is not clinically insane, he is smart above anything else. There was no evidence in this entire film that Lex was smart. There was TONS of evidence that he was clinically insane though, and Jesse Eisenberg is not Heath Ledger. Every time he spoke, I either laughed or put my hands in my face. There was nothing right about this character.

Everyone else is mediocre at best. With the exceptions being Jeremy Irons and Ben Affleck, but really only when they’re on screen together, which isn’t very much. Everyone else is pretty bland. I’ve heard a lot about how great Gal Gadot was, but I don’t know what everyone was talking about honestly. She’s okay? You can’t really determine the caliber of an actress when she only has a few lines and the majority of her screen time is dramatic slow-mo death stares.

 

Visuals: 7.5/10

It’s a Zac Snyder film, so you can at least bet that it’ll look good. This film wasn’t an exception to that. The things I did have problems with are the things that he always gets flak for: unnecessary and excessive slow-mo shots, and more unnecessary and excessive slow-mo shots. I don’t need to see a slow-mo shot of Wonder Woman looking up every 30 seconds during a fight scene.

Speaking of fight scenes, they look great. But they seem unnecessarily long, which is more a fault of the story than anything.

Doomsday looks stupid. You can’t make much of an argument against that, because all they had to do was copy one of the most badass looking comic-book villains of all time. But no; instead, we got a giant frog-ape that was in dire need of a new dental plan.

 

Music: 9/10

This was the only overall redeeming quality of the film. Although, it could be called cheating, considering Hans Zimmer has already had three Batman movies to practice with. While the score is neither Hans Zimmer’s, nor Junkie XL’s best work, the team-up between the two shines yet again with their combination of huge orchestral swells and pulsating synthesizers.

 

X-Factor: 4/10, Superman Dies… AGAIN

Please. Can we, for once, have a Superman movie where we DON’T pretend that Superman is dead at some point in the film? Seriously people, I have no emotional connection to Superman, killing him has no affect on me. Kill someone he loves for once. Then, maybe, I’ll start to care a little. Not making any promises though.

Oh! I know! Let’s kill Lois Lane! And let’s make it interesting, let’s have Superman accidently kill her. That would make things SO interesting. To see how Superman deals with the death of the person he loves most in this world at his own hands? This is me hinting that we need a movie that follows the Injustice story line, and we need it badly.

 

Overall: 5.5/10

If you’re not a fan of superhero movies in general, don’t go see this. It’s bad. If you are a fan of superhero movies, don’t expect much from it, but you should probably see it while it’s in theaters if you want to get the best experience possible. I would definitely NOT want to see this movie at home, not that I’ll be seeing it again any time soon anyway.

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